Hi My Name is Becky, and I am a...

PERFECTIONIST!

    You'd never know it from my often messy house, the fact that I NEVER wear foundation, and that my children and I are mostly dressed in jeans with holes, sweatpants, or mismatched clothes, but I am sick with the disease of perfectionism.

    Perfectionism is just one reason that I talk myself out of things, doubt myself or even listen to the whisper of the enemy, "It's not good enough…you're not good enough."  I do this when I get dressed, when I exercise, when I decorate my house, when I write this blog (no posts between October and February?  Not too busy, just too nit-picky), when I serve in my church body, etc. etc.  This bad habit of perfectionism sneaks up on me and renders me paralyzed with indecision and procrastination.  I let projects pile up because I just can't decide how I want to finish them, or sometimes even begin them.  Scrapbooking, decorating my bedroom, cleaning out a closet,  preparing a song for special music on Sunday, I could go on...

    And why? Why on earth do I care so much?  Because I'm afraid.  Because I want to please people. I want people to think I've got it all together, that I am really smart, pretty cute, and that I have talents as a fill-in-the-blank.  (Musician, writer, parent, cook, wife, decorator, gardener, etc.)

       I've been convicted lately, while reading in Genesis and Exodus, about this habit of mine, to want circumstances to be perfect before I act.  I'm reading through the Bible this year, gosh darn it.  I'm behind, but I will do it!  I notice as I read through the Word that from the beginning, people are just flawed.  I was laughing with a friend of mine earlier this week about philosophies that declare people to be primarily good inside.  People aren't!  I know I'm not.  I haven't broken any major laws, but I'm still selfish, rude and mean.  Just ask my husband about sleeping Becky, who haveth no filters.  But besides just knowing myself, I look to the Bible, because surely there must be a verse in there that says God only uses perfect people, right?  Oh wait, they are sinful from Genesis to Revelation.

     I look at God's people, the Isrealites and their tribes, and I trace their roots to Jacob's 12 sons.  Most people know that the brothers sold Joseph into slavery, but this is only the beginning of these mens' sins.  Reading their stories is like reading a horribly violent soap opera.

•      A family with four mothers in it, all vying for favor from the husband. They lie, they manipulate, they steal, they bribe, they avenge and kill.  
• Reuben committed incest to try to affirm his right as firstborn.  
• Levi & Simeon plot horribly to avenge their sister Dinah,  and kill an entire clan of men who were trying to do the right thing.  
• Judah not only suggested selling his brother into slavery, but also married a Canaanite woman who completely turned his sons against God; two out of three of the sons were so evil, God struck them dead.  Then Judah abandoned his daughter-in-law until he thought she was a prostitute, and fathered two sons by her.  Then when he found out she was pregnant, he wanted HER burned because of her adultery, as she was supposed to be faithful to his youngest son, who he never intended she actually marry.  (Wait, in that last run-on sentence, did you get confused because of the craziness? Too bad, I'm working on defeating perfectionism and I'm not going to clarify. Read it for yourself in Genesis 38.)   

   These are just four of the twelve brothers!  This is just so bizarre, because these are the sons of the man actually named Israel.  If you don't believe me, read the last 15 chapters of Genesis.  So what on earth is God up to? Why didn't He just abandon this crazy family, and start over?
     
      Reading their sinful beginnings is just half the story.  When I turn to the book of Joshua, and read about God giving the descendants of these men the different portions of the Promised Land of Canaan, I just marvel at this God I serve.  I think about the big genetic picture, and realize how God chose these people. How God redeemed them.  How God saved them and used them, even in the genealogy of his own Son's adoptive father.  Over and over, the Bible paints pictures of people stuck in their mistakes, and in pits of sin, only to have their God pursues them relentlessly and save them from their folly.

   And so, I have to quit believing the lie that God cannot use me unless I first become perfect, or good enough.  I have to write the blog post, and just let God use it, and maybe not proofread it four hundred thousand times.  Find some typos? Good! I'm making progress.

    I have to pick some art and hang it on the walls of my home, and let my husband get out the level and the tape measure, because being precise and making things straight are his gifts, not mine.  I have to  SHARE MY FAITH!!! and not worry that my story isn't good enough, or doesn't follow the usual formula, or doesn't point to God the way that someone else's story does.  What if they think I'm delusional? What if they explain it away?  What if they don't believe, and come to Jesus after hearing the story of how he's worked in my life?  So what? God says. Don't worry about what YOU can do, because I am already moving and working in a much bigger picture than you can see right now.

    What about you?   What have you been telling yourself you're not good enough for? (Did you see that? I just ended a sentence in a preposition, and I'm NOT going to change it.)
What have you heard lately that you can't do well enough?  Throw your hands up with me and praise a God who uses imperfect people; and while those hands are up we can wave them victoriously at our enemies, even if those enemies are our own defeating minds, and say - we're going to act anyway.  We're going to sing anyway.  Share our testimony anyway.  Invite that friend to church anyway, even if they might not like the music or message or the way I sing when I'm standing next to them.  Because if God can use Reuben and Judah and Tamar and David and Peter and Paul, then He can use me too.

Praise you Father, light a fire in imperfect me.

I Prayed for a Drummer...

   When I went to college, I had two small town recorded and produced CDs, a messy notebook full of new songs, and big ideas that when I went to St. Olaf college, world renowned for its music and musicians, I was going to meet a group of people who would help my music become more.  I had a relatively faithful prayer life at this time, and I prayed often for God to send me a drummer.  If only I knew and could play with a drummer who liked my music, my songs would become more exciting.  I didn't ever have huge dreams about being famous or anything, but I wanted my music to change and evolve from the same 4-5 chords and melodies that were all starting to sound the same.  Starry eyed, I entered college.

   Fast forward from September to December, you'd find a college freshmen hopelessly homesick, and completely overwhelmed with music theory classes, piano practices (I was supposed to practice 14-20 hours a week...I didn't) and just generally, and stressfully, managing the transition that comes from high school to a relatively intense college course load.  I had maybe written 2 or 3 songs, all about missing my then boyfriend/now husband.  The week of finals, I was staring at two little pink lines, which meant  Isaiah was on the way.  Needless to say, God had not sent me a drummer. He had not sent me a band.  He had not dropped musicians into my life to make my music flourish.  He was still my God, though steeped in sin I was.  He was still relentlessly pursuing me, and working all things together for my good, as He always is for those who love Him.

     So I moved home.  I was sad. I was scared. I was a bit dramatic, and had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I would never need to make music again, because I didn't really deserve hobbies anyway, and that my boyfriend/husband and I would just have to work our fingers to the bone (I got three jobs to try to atone for my immoral behavior) to provide for this baby and the hopeless life we would surely live.  But, God had other plans.  And His plans are never hopeless.

   God had a drummer in mind.  But first, He gave Dustin several guitar players and a drummer.  They were all called No One of Consequence.  Two other band wives became two of my best friends, who led by example when it came to marriage and motherhood. The drummer married us in his living room with about 5 minutes notice.  The guitar player was our best man in our wedding. The drummer played piano as I walked down the aisle. (If you're confused, my wedding and marriage were separate occasions, weird I know.) The drummer and guitar player just happened to have a dad who was a pastor, so we tried going to church with them.  This is how  I found my church body, the people who were the hands and feet and encouraging tongues to my husband and I as we have figured out how to be a family with our new little baby boy.

     A few months after we got married, I auditioned for the worship team at church.  And then God delivered the drummer.  I had to share him with Dustin, as he was still drumming in NOOC, but in my band, he played guitar, drums, piano and sang or whatever was needed that week.  And within this setting, God began to whisper to my heart what He wanted my music to be.  He has shown me, through humbling experiences, that my pride/insecurity (just two faces of the same selfish coin) get in the way when it comes to singing and playing.  He has moved me to write only lyrics that glorify Him.  He has helped me set my priorities in order, with pride and self crucified on the cross, though I have to hammer those nails in every week. And from a musical standpoint, I'm a much better chord player than I used to be. It has taken years and years, and I know He's not even close to being done with me, but I have learned how to play lead piano instead of just accompaniment.  I have learned to focus my mind on entering the throne room with a musical offering, instead of dwelling on the thoughts of others.
       I have had the blessing of fellowship with people I would never talk to otherwise.  A salesman in his 60s, a nurse from another town, high school kids, college kids, an interpreter for the deaf, the list goes on and on.  These are  not people who I would normally find in my social circles. We are in different seasons of life, with different schedules.  But we get to come together once every few weeks and praise God with music.

     This drummer, his name is Shane, was God's answer to my prayer for a drummer.  It took me a few years to figure that out, but in the process, I also learned more about WHO God is, not just what He delivers.  He is a God who answers prayers in ways that are beyond what we could ask or imagine.  He is a God who delivers package deals.  Shane and Maranda are a package deal.  Not only did I get a musician to enjoy music with, but his wife, who has helped me grow in my walk with Christ. She prays for me, and encourages me.  She's the person I text to ask for prayer when I'm  acting like the Hulk instead of a pretty princess, and sometimes she sends me some really eloquent and encouraging scripture, and sometimes she just replies,  "Me too, praying," which in my book is just as encouraging.

     And this is my God!! I rock back on my heels like David did, saying who am I? and what is my family? that you would do this for me?  The Sovereign who works all things together for those who love Him. The generous beyond imagining giver who delivers a eternity changing package, when all I asked for was a drummer.  The Teacher, who teaches me about Himself, and draws me nearer to Him as He answers a years old prayer.

    These pastors, these friends, didn't sell all they had and give it to the poor.  They didn't lay down their life for me, though I don't doubt they would.  They didn't leave all their worldly possessions and minister on the other side of the world.  They are not perfectly holy.  They just show up for work.  They just read their Bibles and pray.  They just ask me how I'm doing.  They just commit to make their marriage work, and pledge to raise their kids God's way, encouraging by example, for me to do the same.  They pay their mortgage and utilities.  They cook dinner and spank their kids and vacuum (a lot! :)  ).  I know they struggle thinking they are not doing enough or being enough for God's kingdom, but remember, you don't know whose prayers you are answering just by being obedient in the little things.  Thanks for being such a beautiful answer to mine.

Happy 40th Birthday to the drummer I prayed for. I'm still praying for you, and your beautiful wife and kiddos.  Hope it's a good one.

Becky