I come on a Monday morning - weary and
tired, but knowing I will be filled and nourished when I leave. There are lists flowing out of my mind and
filling it to the edges with tasks to complete - I picture a great spool of
paper constantly flowing and with every turn it whispers - do more, do more, do
more. The items on each list are time sensitive, and nagging at me like an
overbearing boss.
I sit at my desk
and gaze out the window to the North, where winter winds whip up the pasture
grass like an amber ocean. It is cold, and the cold makes everything harder.
The animals need more food and better shelter for their shivering. The boys
need more layers to protect their extremities. And my soul is cold and tired
too.
So instead of
coming to my devotion and my bible and my prayer journal to check off, check
off, check off - I just sit. I am still, and I ask Jesus, the gentle gardener
of my life, to help me grow. I start with thank yous...for coffee, for heat,
for a quiet day to put things in order, for a boy who turned 6. I surrender his
little life and every expectation I have. I rest knowing that every day of his
life is written in God's book. I ask for help. Help me heal and flourish. Help
me get better at the things that matter. Help me quiet the things that don't.
Help me manage my time and invest in my priorities. Help me turn off the
nagging voice in my head that I am never enough - will never do enough - will
never accomplish enough. Shhhhhh. That's enough noise now.
And then I breathe in and
out slowly and read the words on the page - Hebrews 7 - [Jesus] is always able
to save those who come to God through him, since He always lives to intercede
for them.
Always Able to
save. Always lives to intercede. Breathe it in. Breathe it out.
My eyes closed, I
enter the throne room. The holiness of God cannot even be fathomed. I do not
have the life experience like Isaiah the prophet to understand how perfect He
is, so I have to take Isaiah's word for it. Angels fly around the throne of God. His
robe fills the room. The angels faces are covered - not even they, who have
lived in heaven their whole existence, can look upon his face. They cover their
faces. They cover their feet. With the other wings they fly around Him. They
cannot help from singing without stopping - "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord
almighty! The Whole earth is full of his glory!" (1)
If I'm honest, my
awareness of my sin is shelved most of the time. I was raised a pretty good
kid. I am, by worldly standards, a pretty good wife and mom. I've lived my life
making sure everyone thinks I'm a decent person. Follow most laws, don't hurt
people, try to help when and where I can. But like the prophet Isaiah, when I
think about entering the presence and the perfection of a Holy God, I realize
that my bar for goodness is set far, far too low.
I can feel the
lies in my mouth, like cavernous teeth. I can see the useless striving of my
heart to please men, each act strung like a bead on a necklace that is wrapped
around and around my neck - choking the life out of me. I can feel shame draped
heavy across my shoulders from the places I've failed. The gossip and slander
and haughtiness I've kneaded and rolled out all week is filth under my nails.
The selfishness I breathe in and out every single day is caught in my lungs,
throat and nostrils...turning them black. I can't even breathe the same air
this Holy God. I feel caught and exposed - suddenly aware of how desperately in
need I am to be clean and whole. Horrified that I have no power to change by
myself.
And yet I come.
Unafraid of my ugliness in the presence of His perfection, because of the One
who rushes to meet me.(2) He does not hesitate and he is not disgusted by all
of the sin that clings to me. Taking my hands, his forehead touches mine and
the blood of Christ - the blood of the perfect sinless lamb- brushes my
spiritual skin. Flowing down from where the thorns pierced his temples, flowing
out of his hands and his feet, the blood of Jesus - the Messiah - covers over
every mark. Wrapped up in his arms- he is father, brother and husband. He is
the rescuer and the fierce defender my heart has longed for forever. The black
of sin is siphoned off of my Spirit, out of my lungs - it pours out of my mouth
to be destroyed in His powerful presence. I'm made new, "washed clean, no
scar, no mark"(3)
And then this
Savior, bleeding for me and cleansing me - wraps me in his righteousness. It
flows off of him like a hybrid of white silk and white light and envelops my being, until I
am dressed beautifully in Who He Is and who I was truly made to be - Holy,
Redeemed, Transformed. Now I am dressed for a wedding. Now is the loveliest day
of my life.(4) Now I am ready to meet the Holy, Holy, Holy - the Father on the
throne, face to face. But only with Christ before me, behind me, and
surrounding me - only with Jesus, his hands on my shoulders - saying,
"this one, she is mine." He is delighted, not exhausted. Because he
is ALWAYS ABLE. (5) He is delighted at the loveliness of Himself wrapped
around me and at his light pouring out of me. He beams and begins the
narrative- showing what used to be broken in me, and how he made it whole. He
tells my life like a story, but where shame used to dwell, he shows off his
glory. He tells his Father, who already knows. Together, they delight in the power
and the love that changed me. His mighty hands on my shoulders, he carries
every heavy thing for me(6); he shoulders every load I brought him today(7). He lives to intercede for his people! He lives to intercede for me. (5) The Son and the Father reminisce about the sin that had me in chains - and how
they broke every one. They remind me: they gave me a family, a calling,
and a legacy. They laugh and delight to be with me, they sing songs over me(8), they love me deeply, they fill me with their Spirit, and I'm ready to go
back to my lists, refreshed and nourished and full. Look how lovely I have made
her, my Jesus says to His pleased Father. And his Father replies, "Welcome
home, beloved."
(1)Isaiah 6:1-7
In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of
his robe filled the whole temple. Above
him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their
faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: "Holy, Holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."
At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the
temple was filled with smoke. "Woe
to me!" I cried. "I am ruined!
For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and
my eyes have seen the King, the Lord almighty." Then one of the seraphim
flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the
alter. With it he touched my mouth and
said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your
sin atoned for."
(2)Isaiah 30:18
Yet the Lord longs to
be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the
Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are
all who wait for him!
(3) Listen - Alanna
Story - "Confession" https://youtu.be/DjmCg8Ux2no
(4) Isaiah 61 -
the whole chapter...but specifically vs. 10
I delight greatly
in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of
salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns
his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
(5)Hebrews 7:25
He is always able to save those who come to God
through him, since He always lives to intercede for them.
(6) 1 Peter
5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift
you up in due time. Cast your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
(7) Matthew
11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart, and
you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
(8) Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who
saves. He will take great delight in
you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with
singing.
