My clumsy hands trying to make straight lines while painting around the edge of a ceiling. Cursing. Inwardly calling myself names and condemning myself for not being able to do anything right. "You're just not precise. You have no idea where you are in space. You have never been good at anything aesthetic." And partly it's true. I think it's wise to get to know yourself, and know what your strengths and weaknesses are. I am not a precise person. I prefer not to measure, adjust and perfect. I prefer to throw all those ingredients in a pot and see what happens, or to just go for it and not worry about the details. I'm a strange mix of being paralyzed by perfectionism and reckless because I hate precision. So usually the beginning of a project is not a great time for my ego.
But…my husband asked if I would please paint the edge of the ceiling before he got home so he could prime and be ready for the real painters. So I did it. Because I love him. And I wanted to help him. And pretty soon…I learned. I figured out that if I got just the right amount of paint, and if I held the brush at a certain angle, and if I adjusted how tall I was standing on the ladder - pretty soon I was painting like a champ. My inward dialogue changed. I was like, "Damn girl. You should hire yourself out."
Every time I try something new, or do something I haven't done in awhile, I need a grace period. I need to do it badly first. And I need to learn. And I need to do it a little better, and a little better, and pretty soon, I'm going to be good at it. And usually it's the failure, the poor result or performance that makes me doggone determined to get it right the next time. But that first time, when the failure is blatantly obvious, I have to give that grace to myself - my most ruthless critic.
I needed about 5 months of grace to settle into a teaching job. My husband needed an entire year of month-end and quarter-end and year-end to figure out how to do his job well. A few years ago, I nearly failed one online class before I figured out how to be the independent learner that online classes require you to be. I needed a grace period to figure out how to go out to dinner with a toddler without completely losing my sanity. I needed to be horrendously and embarrassingly late picking up my kid from school due to a diaper-change-gone-wrong or waking-up -little-brother-fail so that I could adjust my expectations and time management.
Perhaps you've found yourself struggling with something new. If you are blessed with a new job, a promotion, a new kid, a new hat to wear or schedule to juggle, or just entering a different season of your life, give yourself a grace period. Give yourself time to flail around like an idiot until you get it right.
I think this is good advice for everyone, but if we are in Christ, we need to take it a little further. Romans 8:1 says There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. When everyone else has gathered up their stones to throw, when I'm clenching my own stones tight, He kneels in the sand to defend me. Sometimes even from myself.
Isn't He good? Isn't he tender? Isn't he loving that He would whisper truth to me in a hateful mundane task like painting around a ceiling? Isn't He kind that He would give us an entire lifetime on this earth as our grace period? So very many chances to choose Him and follow Him and learn and get better at it?
Unfortunately, some of us stay right where we are. We never change anything. We stay on the same rung of the same ladder and we berate ourselves for the people we are, and the Christians we are, and the places we are stuck. And the fruit of that life is complaining, and self-pity, insecurity and self-hatred.
But hear me, there is NO CONDEMNATION for those in Christ. None. Not from God. And there shouldn't be any condemnation to: me, from: me either. And we can actually look forward to that period where we suck, because it's actually a very safe place overflowing with grace from our Father in Heaven, who is full of compassion, slow to anger, abounding in love, and so, so near. Where we are weak, He is strong. This is why we learn to anticipate and to endure and even to be grateful for the trials of many kinds. Because it's nothing but grace transforming us from flailing idiots into people more like Him. And the fruit of this life is gratitude for how far we've come, and humility because we remember who we are without Him, and overflowing love and encouragement to others who might be where we used to be.
Please, please choose Him. Please put down your stones, and climb out of that pit and into His grace period for you.
